“The thing is most people are afraid to step out, to take a chance beyond their established identity.” – Demi Moore
Have you ever felt sexually frustrated?
You know, when you
want need that hot, steamy and passionate connection with someone you fancy the pants off, but they’re not around to satisfy your needs?
Or worst yet, when you’re in a committed relationship, but it’s gone stale and it’s been a hot minute since you really experienced ecstasy?
Well, that’s how I’m currently feeling!
No, not about my bedroom activities, but about my creative desires.
I’m creatively frustrated.
And I have been for a very long time.
The fairy tale
In my case, I’ve been in a committed relationship with Society and the spark died a long time ago.
In fact, I’m not sure there was ever really a spark.
Society was my reliable and safe “Knight in Shining Armor”.
I grew up being told that Society was the perfect catch.
I spent my childhood being groomed for my relationship with Society so when it eventually happened, I knew what I was getting.
I knew what was expected of me in the relationship and I always knew where I stood.
My relationship was predictable and provided me with security and stability.
Before I fully entered into my relationship with society, my creative libido was strong.
I was young and therefore I had unwavering creative stamina.
I drew, painted, wrote, read, created, baked, traveled and explored.
The break up
Over time however, I fell into a routine and I was too tired to even think about creative stimulation, and that suited Society just fine.
As long as I was fulfilling my duties, Society was happy.
In 2009, it all got to much and I was offered a way out, so I left.
I ended the relationship.
We remained close friends, but I was forging my own way and I got back to exploring my creative desires.
I learned more about what excited me and turned me on.
I was out and about learning new things and looking at life in a whole new light.
I was on fire, loving life and feeling totally inspired.
The make up
However, as with many relationships, especially when you remain friends with your ex, we kind of fell back into a relationship.
We began spending more time together and before I knew it, we were back into a routine and old habits resurfaced.
I ignored my needs and it was all about satisfying Society.
I began spending less time doing what I enjoyed because although Society rarely said it out loud, it was made clear to me that my interests were a waste of time. They weren’t going to pay the bills, so were viewed as a waste of time that I could otherwise be using to pursue more productive interests.
From time to time I would dabble in something a little creative — attend a talk, visit a gallery or go to the theatre. I’d leave feeling inspired once again but pretty soon after I’d be reminded that I should be spending my time more productively.
And if I wasn’t reminded, my guilt was so overwhelming that I’d decide it wasn’t worth it.
I was going through the motions; performing as was expected of me, making all the right ohhs and ahhs but really feeling nothing.
I was numb and my creative libido was as good as dead.
Should I stay or should I go?
I didn’t know what to do. I mean Society has always been good to me.
Besides, Society is powerful and highly respected by the masses.
What would happen if I walked away again?
Was I being ungrateful and idealistic?
If I ended our relationship again, would I regret it? Would I end up a lonely, destitute outcast?
I’ve spent months contemplating what I should do.
The more I thought about it, the stronger my creative desires became.
I want to draw, paint, write, read, create, bake, travel and take photos.
I want to explore life.
Not for the purposes of making money but just because there is so much to see, do and experience.
I started LL Coaching as a business and a brand.
My intention was for it to be a place of motivation and inspiration for you by offering information and services.
I really wanted to create awesome workshops and programmes for you to help you create a career and life you love because I know it’s possible. I’ve done it.
Over time however, I’ve lost my own motivation and it’s because I am literally gagging to be more creative.
I’m desperate to experience multiple creative orgasms.
I’ve been following and reading business, marketing and branding books and blogs for years. They all have tips and advice on what I need to do to create and sustain a successful business and brand.
For years I’ve tried to fit the model, but it just does not work for me.
I feel restricted and uninspired.
My intention is still the same, I want to motivate and inspire you. I want to be a positive light in your life, sharing optimism and happy thoughts.
I’ve realised however that I’m not an expert on how to do that. All I have is my own experience and actually I don’t have the answers.
I’ve felt a huge weight of responsibility to have my life together and give you answers and solutions to your personal challenges, when the truth is I’m still figuring things out myself.
Naively I thought at one point I did think I had my life figured out. I thought I’d found my path and I was good to go.
But life is a roller-coaster and we have to expect the unexpected; it is evolving and forever changing.
It’s true that I’m a trained life coach, but I’m not a life expert, which is what I unknowingly set myself up to be. Or at least that’s the standard I expected of myself, so I constantly end up feeling like I’ve failed you.
I’m also an incredibly private person, so sharing my deeper feelings and fears feels very scary, so instead I skirt around topics and write to you only giving you a surface level insight into my own personal experience.
Partly because I feel incredibly vulnerable opening up to you, but also because I’m a believer that I should be responsible for the energy I spread, so I always have the intention of leaving you feeling positive after an interaction with me.
If we were speaking face to face, my face would always have a smile on it, no matter how crap I might be feeling, and that’s what I’ve also tried to do with LL Coaching.
The difference is, that in “real life” if I don’t feel like smiling, I keep myself to myself so I don’t spread my negative energy. However, with the blog, I feel obligated to show up for you here each week, no matter what mood I’m in.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried, but it’s extremely challenging to remain upbeat and inspire others regularly when you yourself are feeling anything but that.
So, with all that said, you may notice some changes around here. I may post less frequently, but then there may be weeks when I have loads to share with you.
I might write much shorter posts, and then you might get what one of my writing mentors, Lisa Lister, calls Heart Riffs, just like this post – blog posts where I keep it real, and tell you where I’m really at in this thing we call life.
I’m going to spend more time doing things, just because.
Not for money, increased blog traffic, more social media shares, likes or comments or because it’s what I think I should be doing, but simply because it feels authentic.
And because it sounds like fun.
It might all go pear-shaped. You might decide you don’t want anything more to do with me.
It’s a chance I have to take.
And that’s exactly it. I need to start taking more chances.
For some, taking time to experiment with art or photography is not taking a chance, for me it is.
It’s facing my fears and challenging my conditioned approach to life. You know the one where you spend your best years striving only to arrive and realise that what you’ve been striving for, is what you started out with.
I may never be Frida Kahlo, but that doesn’t matter.
I’m learning, or rather unlearning the lesson I interpreted as, you should only ever do something to become better at it or for a specific outcome.
My word for 2015 is Explore, and that’s what I’m going to do, explore.
I’ve mainly spent the first half of this year in a state of self-exploration, which will continue, but now it’s also time for some creative exploration.
Sharing is Caring
Do you ever struggle with the constraints of your relationship with Society?
Have you ever felt trapped by your own personality?